How to Talk to Kids About Racism: Inclusive, Bilingual Resources (VIDEO)

Diverse kids of various races playing and smiling happy together; How to Talk to Kids About Racism Today | Inclusive, Bilingual Resources

If you’re worried that your kids are too young to talk about race, they’re not. I understand the instinct to protect our children’s innocence, but we don’t know when our kids will first encounter racism.

In a survey on Instagram, parents shared their earliest memories of racism with me:

  • “My son is only 2. Someone yelled ‘China virus’ and threw something at us.”
  • “My husband who is mixed Chinese/black/white was called the n-word in kindergarten.”
  • “When I first moved to the States in 9th grade.”
  • “15, when I moved to America. First week in high school. Got called ch*nk.”

How old should my child be when we talk about race?

Research shows that children notice race during infancy, and bias can become internalized during the toddler years. As you can see in the image above, blatant racism can occur at any age, even before our first memory.

If we wait, our kids may already be victims. Or they could be racist to others at school and playgrounds without our awareness.

And racism kills.

Next Shark headlines attacks against Asian American - why we need to talk to kids about racism today
Headlines compiled from Next Shark

But you can be the first person to talk to your kids about race in a safe place.

You have the power to establish this truth: every person deserves respect, regardless of age, ability, skin color, eye shape, hair texture, culture, and language. You can model how to be an ally to fellow human beings.

Normalizing these discussions at home and school is urgent, and change requires time and patience. If we all took a few minutes regularly to talk to our kids, it could make a positive difference synergistically.

Through this starter guide, I hope to reduce obstacles by compiling my research and experience with effective resources and videos. Although many racism guides exist online, the vast majority exclude Asians. Therefore, this guide aims to be more inclusive, though I recommend learning from various perspectives.

Take your time to go through this post and come back to it as needed over the years. This is a life-long project.

For context, I am a Chinese American pediatrician, married to a Korean American man, and a mother of 2 children. Although we have friends of all races, we currently live in a predominantly white community in California. My husband works in a mostly Hispanic community, while I work remotely for a diverse company.

Brief history of racism in the United States

Racism is a worldwide problem in virtually every society. It’s an underlying cause of genocide, wars, and colonization. Since my family is based in the United States, this section will highlight a few key events in my country’s history.

Racism in early American history

In the United States, racism began with colonization by European settlers, the genocide of Native Americans (eg, the Trail of Tears), enslavement and lynching of African Americans, and deportation and mob violence against Latino Americans. When Chinese immigrants arrived in the United States in the 1800s, anti-Asian racism involved federal sanctions, including:

  • Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, which barred all new immigration from China
  • Immigration Act of 1917 and the National Origins Act of 1924, which extended the immigration ban to include virtually all of Asia
  • Interment Camps during World War II in 1942, which imprisoned 127,000 Japanese Americans

Police brutality against Black and Brown Americans

In more recent history, 9/11 exposed significant violence, threats, vandalism, and arson against innocent Arab, Muslim, Sikh, and South Asian Americans. Islamophobia and discrimination continue to be a significant problem to this day.

Furthermore, the long-standing police brutality against Black Americans has been amplified by the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd.

According to research, “Black women and men and American Indian and Alaska Native women and men are significantly more likely than white women and men to be killed by police. Latino men are also more likely to be killed by police than are white men.”

illustration of 4 men taking a mugshot. The black man holds a sign that reads “angry & violent”, the Latino man holds a sign that reads “criminal & dangerous” the Muslim man holds a sign that reads “extremist & militant” and the white man holds a sign that reads “had a bad day”)
Source: Pallette By Felicity. Illustration of 4 men taking a mugshot. The black man holds a sign that reads “angry & violent.” The Latino man holds a sign that reads “criminal & dangerous.” The Muslim man holds a sign that reads “extremist & militant.” The white man holds a sign that reads “had a bad day”)

Anti-Asian Hate crimes during the pandemic

From March 2020 to February 2021, 3,795 anti-Asian incidents in the United States were reported to stopaapihate.org. These events ranged from being coughed/spit on to robberies, assaults, and murder. Research from the American Journal of Public Health suggests a temporal correlation between former President Trump’s use of the “Chinese Virus” on Twitter and rising anti-Asian tweets and hate crimes.

Before this, health policy experts discouraged using location in disease names due to historical discrimination trends. On May 8, 2015, the World Health Organization updated naming guidelines for diseases: “This may seem like a trivial issue to some, but disease names really do matter to the people who are directly affected. We’ve seen certain disease names provoke a backlash against members of particular religious or ethnic communities…Once disease names are established in common usage through the Internet and social media, they are difficult to change, even if an inappropriate name is being used.”

Racism, microaggressions, and gaslighting definitions

Before diving into strategies, it’s important to review definitions. Many people that I’ve spoken with are unaware of the persistent prevalence of racism, microaggressions, and gaslighting. However, if we aren’t willing to humble ourselves to the possibility that we carry potentially harmful biases to various degrees, we cannot progress and move forward collectively.

What is racism?

Racism is the conscious or subconscious belief that a race is superior and has the right to dominate others and that other races are inferior. Racism occurs at two main levels:

  • Individually, with direct discrimination between people
  • Systemically, with policies that benefit a dominant race and oppress people of color

What is bullying?

Bullying involves aggressive behavior, including verbal insults, physical assaults, and social manipulation (eg, gossip). See Bullying Prevention Resources for Multilingual and Multicultural Kids for more details and guidance.

What are microaggressions?

Microaggressions are intentional or unintentional verbal and nonverbal insults that communicate biased, negative, harmful messages to a person or community. Examples include:

  • “Where are you from? No, where are you reeeaallly from?” (Assuming that Asians cannot be from the United States.)
  • “You are so articulate for a Black person” (Assuming that Black persons cannot speak coherently.)
  • “You’re the model minority.” (Perpetuates myth that Asians do not struggle and discourages them from seeking help.)
  • “What’s your accent?” (When someone doesn’t have an accent) or “How do you speak English so well? Why don’t you have an accent?” (Surprise at the idea of a “foreigner” speaking English)
  • “I love Asian women.” or “What type of Asian are you?” or “You’re so exotic.” (Misogynistic fetish of certain ethnicities)

What is gaslighting?

Manipulative acts include minimizing, denying, questioning, and undermining a person’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings to maintain power and control. Examples of racial gaslighting include:

  • “Oh, [the murderer] was fed up, at the end of his rope…he had a bad day.” (Paraphrasing Captain Jay Baker’s response to the mass shooting of Asian women in Atlanta, Georgia)
  • “Are you sure you experienced racism and not exaggerating? My Black best friend never experienced this.” or “Why are you complaining? My friend is Sikh and doesn’t mind when people say ‘towel head’ and other comments.” (Extrapolating an isolated experience onto others and assuming silence means acceptance of derogatory comments).
  • “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (Instead of apologizing and taking responsibility for the wrong act, the offender places blame on the victim’s feelings.)
  • “I’m not racist because I married a Korean person.” or “I’m not racist because I adopted a Black child.”

How to talk to kids about racism: start with the 4 As

How to talk to kids about racism

This will be an ongoing conversation that you’ll build upon with time, research, and experience. You can weave race into regular conversation with children for a few minutes each day in a matter-of-fact way.

Affirmations (bilingual)

Diverse physical features

Discuss various physical characteristics positively, including people who look different from your family. Empathy for other people’s suffering comes more naturally when we see the good in them. When your child asks questions about someone’s facial features, an encouraging response might be:

  • “Yes, I see what you are saying. We are all different. Cool, right?”
    • 是的,我明白你在说什么。我们都不一样。太酷了吧?
    • 是的,我明白你在說什麼。我們都不一樣。太酷了吧?
    • Shì de, wǒ míngbái nǐ zài shuō shénme. Wǒmen dōu bù yīyàng. Tài kùle ba?
  • No matter what we look like, we are all human beings.
    • 无论我们长得什么样子,我们全部都是人。
    • 無論我們長得什麼樣子,我們全部都是人。
    • Wúlùn wǒmen zhǎng dé shénme yàngzi, wǒmen quánbù dōu shì rén.

When you give compliments, consider whether the comment will affirm this person or whether it’s based on a derogatory fetish of a particular body part.

Positive language for colors

Describe all colors with positive adjectives. Using a nature scavenger hunt as an example, here are some ways you can weave race into the discussion:

  • How many different colors do you see at this park?
    • 你在公园里看到多少种颜色?
    • 你在公園裡看到多少種顏色?
    • Ní zài gōngyuán lǐ kàn dào duōshǎo zhǒng yánsè?
  • Wow! The world has so many colors!
    • 哇!世界上有很多颜色!
    • 哇!世界上有很多顏色!
    • Wa! Shìjiè shàng yǒu hěnduō yánsè!
  • This black rock is pretty & smooth. Mommy’s hair is the same color!
    • 这块黑石头很美丽和光滑。妈妈的头发是一样的颜色!
    • 這塊黑石頭很美麗和光滑。媽媽的頭髮是一樣的顏色!
    • Zhè kuài hēi shítou hěn měilì hé guānghuá. Māmā de tóufǎ shì yīyàng de yánsè!
  • What color is the soil? Brown soil is important. Flowers, fruits, and vegetables grow in the soil.
    • 泥土是什么颜色?棕色的土很重要。这是我们的花朵,水果和蔬菜生长的地方。
    • 泥土是什麼顏色?棕色的土很重要。這是我們的花朵,水果和蔬菜生長的地方。
    • Nǐtǔ shì shénme yánsè? Zōngsè de tǔ hěn zhòngyào. Zhè shì wǒmen de huāduǒ, shuǐguǒ hé shūcài shēngzhǎng dì dìfāng.
  • God gave us different hair, eyes, and skin colors. Just like a rainbow!
    • 上帝给我们不同的头发, 眼睛, 和肤色。就像彩虹一样!
    • 上帝給我們不同的頭髮,眼睛,和種族。就像彩虹一樣!
    • Shàngdì gěi wǒmen bùtóng de tóufǎ, yǎnjīng hé fūsè. Jiù xiàng cǎihóng yīyàng!

Affirm inner beauty

While we want to affirm our children’s God-given appearances, focusing on personality, effort, behavior, and other non-physical characteristics are important for long-term well-being.

Here are positive affirmations in English and Chinese that you can practice saying to your child.

Awareness

Recognizing diversity or lack of is an important step in understanding the risks of racial bias.

  • Who lives in the neighborhood? If there is a lack of diversity, why don’t people of other races live in the area?
  • What do friends, teachers, doctors, delivery personnel, store clerks, and farmers look like in your area? Why might certain jobs have more people of certain races?
  • What language(s) do you hear in your family and community?
    • Do local schools teach more than one language?
    • Do libraries and stores offer multilingual books?
  • How can you diversify your personal experiences and that of your local schools and community?
  • Taking diversity a step further, what can you do to be genuinely inclusive of people of various races?

Art and media

  • What books and shows does your family read and watch?
    • What do the people speak and look like?
    • Do you think the characters are realistic or based on stereotypes?
  • What art and music does your family see and hear?
  • Am I buying products from people of the original culture? Or have the products been created by people profiting from cultural appropriation? (Eg, The Mahjong Line, non-Chinese people opening a Chinese restaurant)

Bilingual books about various ethnicities and races

According to Cooperative Children’s Book Center research, most children’s books feature Caucasian or animal protagonists. Conscious effort is needed to read diverse books and narratives about overcoming challenges.

Movies/videos with real people

Anti-bias / Anti-racist allyship

  • Be honest about systemic racism and oppression against minorities, especially people of color.
  • Recognize your privileges. For example, I acknowledge that my light skin color often gives me favorable treatment (unfairly) compared to my darker-skinned friends or friends with accents.
  • Be an ally. One act of kindness can make a huge difference and build momentum for more support. Avoid the bystander effect and speak up when you see something wrong.

“Let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” 1 John 3:18

Videos that show how parents and teachers talk to kids about racism

Introducing bias to kids

In this 2-minute video, I introduce the concept of bias to my children. I hope it shows that you don’t have to have a perfect PowerPoint presentation to have these discussions with children. The talks can be brief, humble, impactful, and cumulative.

Talking to kids about bias Part 1 (Introduction)

What does racism have to do with me?

Adapted with permission from “A Kids Book About Racism” by Jelani Memory, Katie Yue-Sum Li has an excellent 10-minute video about how racism is relevant to all of us. She uses specific examples from her experience as a Chinese American and adds kid-friendly conversation starters about racism experiences.

Talking to our Asian American children about race

Dr. Jenny Wang is a clinical psychologist who gives a helpful introduction to talking about race as a family in this 18-minute video.

Talking about race with Asian-American kids

Miss Katie Sings

Miss Katie is a music teacher who has a special gift of talking and making music about current events and human rights issues in a way that is gentle for kids. Watch her 5-minute video about anti-Asian sentiments, which includes a song about standing up for what’s right.

Miss Katie sings and talks about anti-Asian sentiments in a kid-friendly way

How I teach my 4-year-old son about racism

Elementary school teacher Miss Naomi demonstrates how she talks to her 4-year-old son about racism in this 5-minute video. Visit her website to learn more about her teaching resources.

How to talk to kids about racist insults and attacks

  • The Hechinger Report has excellent examples of how to respond to children’s questions about why people are racist.
  • Ottawa Hills Schools has a step-by-step guide on how to respond to various racist scenarios at school.

Bystander intervention tips

The bystander effect is an unfortunately common psychological phenomenon. When a person sees an emergency (eg, bullying, crime, injury), they might not due to feeling less personal responsibility when other people are around.

While feeling shock is normal, bystanders might not know how to help with anything from bullying to life-threatening crimes. They also might be afraid to intervene.

How to talk to kids about the bystander effect

Explaining the bystander effect to kids

Child psychologist Sarah Kang explains, “Part of teaching my kids to stand up for themselves and others around them is first to teach them about the bystander effect since it can get in the way of their willingness to help or intervene.”

She created a helpful visual guide you can download here and print for your children or students.

Overcoming the bystander effect as adults

To combat this problem, you can register for Bystander Intervention Training at the Hollaback! website. They recommend the following 5Ds:

  • Distract: Ignore the harasser and talk to the person who is being targeted about something unrelated.
  • Delegate: Ask for help.
  • Document: Record the incident if it’s safe. Share only with the victim’s consent.
  • Delay: Check on the victim & listen.
  • Direct: Depending on the risk, briefly confront the harasser and name the problem (eg, “Leave them alone,” “That’s racist”).
Bystander effect and bystander intervention with the 5 Ds from Hollaback!

More anti-racism resources

  • The MGH Center for Cross-Cultural Student Emotional Wellness: Volunteer-run and operated coalition with clinicians, educators, parents, students, and researchers. They focus on mental health education, prevention, and access to culturally sensitive care.
  • Asian Americans Advancing Justice: National affiliation of 5 leading organizations advocating for the civil and human rights of Asian Americans and other underserved communities.
  • Asians for Mental Health: Dr. Jenny Wang, PhD is a psychologist who is dedicated to serving the Asian diaspora. Her Instagram account features thoughtful reflections, while her website has a directory of Asian mental health providers.
  • The Conscious Kid: Non-profit education and research organization promoting equity and healthy racial identity development.
  • Be The Bridge: This Christian organization is dedicated to racial justice and reconciliation.

Have you talked to your kids about racism? What other anti-racist resources do you recommend for families and schools?

Friends, the above guide will have gaps because this topic necessitates community collaboration. Comment below if you have other resources we can learn from. Share your story because your experience matters. We’re in this together!

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